Transformers: Age of Extinction

"Transformers: Age of Extinction"

is such a big movie that it actually starts with the extinction of the dinosaurs. After that, things jump ahead to our near-future, a time period where Mark Wahlberg is an inventor and Stanley Tucci subsists on chewing scenery (he's a Tuccisaurus). There are also giant robots that turn into cars, giant robots that turn into dinosaurs and a giant robot voiced by John Goodman, who has a rotund robot belly and metal beard. If you think we've found a "Transformers" movie based on those previous sentences, you're right. Ahead, the four most effective parts of Michael Bay's fourth "Transformers" film (which, much to our chagrin, isn't called "Trans4mers").

If you look at the most artistically successful big-budget sequels, the characters continue to drive the narrative. Christopher Nolan's Batman is emotionally spent and on the wrong side of the law. Han Solo is trapped in a block of carbonite and his friends are on the run. Khan wants to punish Kirk for the pain inflicted on his people.

The human characters in "Transformers: Age of Extinction" have no such motivations. After short establishing scenes sort out which of the three stereotypes they will inhabit (flawed good guy, goofball sidekick or evil mastermind), they do nothing but run and fall down, run and fall down, occasionally interrupted by a slow-motion leap away from an explosion.

The best moments are early in the film, when the live-action scenes still outnumber the CGI goulash. Mark Wahlberg replaces Shia LaBeouf as the main protagonist, a struggling Texas inventor named Cade Yeager, who stumbles into the severely wounded body of good-guy Transformer leader Optimus Prime.

We see that a secret wing of the U.S. government is hunting down and executing other Autobots, with the help of a mercenary alien man-machine. Characters actually speak full sentences to each other, until the setup ends with a very satisfying scene where Prime re-emerges to save the family farm.

The first "Transformers," released in 2007, sustained that pace throughout the majority of the film, and it was a good movie. But with the need to visually one-up the previous film, storytelling in "Transformers" sequels always drops off a cliff in favor of spectacle. The actors become no more than action figures, growing smaller and smaller in an increasingly busy landscape. Run. Fall. Slow-motion leap. Run. Fall. Slow-motion leap. Pause at the end to set up the sequel.

There are problems from a hard-core geek's perspective as well: namely that the Transformers no longer look like Transformers. It must seem like progress from the filmmakers' point of view, adding much more detail to the faces and smoother transformations from robot to vehicle. As a result the good and bad guy robots - especially the newer ones - look more like Terminators than Transformers. Unlike last year's excellent-on-all-fronts giant-robot movie "Pacific Rim," the scale here looks all wrong.

We save the worst news for last: The new "Transformers" is a completely unnecessary and soul-crushing 165 minutes long, bloated by exposition and plot turns that sound as if they were being made up as the movie was shot. You could cut 45 minutes out of "Transformers: Age of Extinction" in completely random places; it would be a much better movie (and only slightly less coherent).

I can't believe I'm saying this out loud. But the "Transformers" film series is in desperate need of a reboot.

Humans

Mark Wahlberg as Cade Yeager, a single father and struggling inventor.

Stanley Tucci as Joshua Joyce, the arrogant head of KSI who wants to build his own Transformers

Kelsey Grammer as Harold Attinger, a paranoid CIA agent who created the Cemetery Wind to eliminate all Transformers from Earth.

Nicola Peltz as Tessa Yeager, Cade's daughter.

Jack Reynor as Shane Dyson, Tessa's boyfriend and an Irish race car driver.

Sophia Myles as Darcy Tyril, Joshua's geologist assistant.

Li Bingbing as Su Yueming, head of the KSI factory in China.

Titus Welliver as James Savoy, field leader of the Cemetery Wind.

T. J. Miller as Lucas Flannery, Cade's best friend and a mechanic.

Melanie Specht as the "Grande Dame", Joshua's senior executive assistant.

Victoria Summer as Joshua's executive assistant.

Ray Lui and Michael Wong were cast as Hong Kong police officers. Han Geng has a cameo, singing and playing the guitar in a parked car that is magnetized by Lockdown's ship. General Motors Vice President of Design Edward T. Welburn has a cameo appearance.